Thursday, December 16, 2010

Update;;sorry girls.

My grandpa has lung cancer, my gf has been acting weird, and I'm just way too out of it
to update lately and I'm sorry.
So, someone told me that I can't possibly have an ED because I don't count calories.
That's stupid. I've been diagnosed with EDNOS for almost 6 years and mainly restrict or just purge but I don't count the calories or fat grams of what's eaten. Mainly, because I eat baby carrots and apples when I restrict and when I purge there's just too much to count and most of it ends up down the toilet. The only numbers  that matter to me are the ones on the scale. So that girl that told me I can't have an ed, you can shove your words down your throat, and i hope you choke on them when they're coming back up.
I hate the holidays so I don't know how often this is going to be updated. Just prayers and wishing me luck would be nice.
It's much appreciated. Stay Strong Girls!
Don't let anyone ever doubt your willpower!
Peace, Love, & Mental Stability. <3

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I got 99 problems...

Aunt flo is coming, I have a headache, haven't weighed myself in days, ate kfc & jimmy johns yesterday....


Friday, November 26, 2010


Even though I ate like a fat woman at a chocolate shop yesterday, I weighed myself 
this morning in my pajamas and it said 138lbs :)
That made my morning esp since I was waiting to see 142 or something higher.
My gf has a fb page now and it kind of makes me feel insecure just because she has the mentality of a guy.
Maybe it's just me being paranoid but oh well. Well, I don't really have much to say right now except that I am home alone and bored as f*ck! None of my friends wanna hangout and on top of that, i have no cell phone to make plans. Awesome. Until later my lovelies <3

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Sorry about my rant from the other night, i was in a very dark place. But anyhow;; my mother had the nerve to ask me how much I weigh last night and she kept following me around watching my every step. It was super annoying. Then this morning i woke up violently sick and when I asked my mom to tell my gf to come in the room, she went, "What? What do you want? I'm eating." Like, wtf!? All I wanted was a friggin hug. Douche. Anyhow, my weight is around 136lbs, or at least im going to assume thats what it is cause i havent been able to sneak into the bathroom and weigh myself naked. I will later tonight though. Computer is dying :( Later lovelies!

Monday, November 22, 2010

i'd kill myself for you, id kill you for myself....

My past relationships never ended the right way, most do not, but i think thats why i push the people i care about away. I'm terrified of my own feelings right now. I can't eat, sleep, hold a conversation and i just dont know what to do anymore. Porn is whats bothering me right now. (dont ask) True, im not great in bed but its because i hate my body so much that it stops me from trying new things. Have never been "on top" because i dont wanna crush my partner. To some that may sound stupid but for me, it's a real fear. My stomach is gross looking and my boobs have shrunk immensely from giving birth and losing weight. They say the one youre with should like/love you for you but when the person youre with doesnt compliment you, ever, on your appearance, you cant help but assume that they think your body is hideous aswell. If i could just hear some reassurance that im perfectly fine the way i am, i wouldnt be so paranoid about everything. I'm tired of not feeling good enough...

Sunday, November 21, 2010


Total Calories (%DV based on daily intake of 2,000 kcal) 490 kcal 24.5%
Calories from Fat (italics if estimated) 216.9 kcal
Calories from Carbohydrate (estimated) 172 kcal
Calories from Protein (estimated) 96 kcal
Calories from Alcohol (assumed 0 if not explicitly disclosed)

Enough said....:'( I feel absolutely nasty.

Update: So, surprisingly, I did not gain anything from my horrendous breakfast! I am super happy about that and I weighed myself without clothes and I was 137/8, couldn't tell where the needle was pointing cause my glasses aren't the right prescription but i'd rather maintain than gain :) How's everyone doing today?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Inspirational lyrics?

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Just listen to the chorus, it speaks the truth!


It's still gross but I'm getting closer everyday, so I'm trying to stay positive. :)
I am going to post what pills I take everyday & let me know what you guys take?

For my A.D.D. (bluepills) XPLC for after my meal(s) &

Metabolife 2 pills 3x a day.

What do you guys take that you think helps?
Anyone ever used Fastin?

Peace, Love, & Mental Stability.

Friday, November 19, 2010

& if you're done with embarassing me...

Went on a date with my gf tonight and it ended in tears. She showed up drunk off her ass and we listened to black label the whole night. Then, when we got home, she took sleeping pills and went to bed. Only thing I got out of the date was a frog hat.....yay. I'm just so frustrated that I can't even cry anymore! But anyways...
Weight is 140. Not great but not terrible. I ate two breadsticks tonight for dinner cause my mom yelled at me but I didn't gain anything from it cause of all the work I did around the house earlier :) I felt as if I looked HUGE in every outfit I tried on. Ugh, the ups and downs of life!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

So, thank GOD

I now have my medication! This week is going to be a breeze! I'm starving right now but oh well cause nothing is going to touch these lips. 143 is the currant cause I drank some wine and had pizza with friends. BIG mistake. The gf and I are back together : D it's probably a mistake but idc, I kind of love her.... :/

Thursday, November 11, 2010


The gf and I are done and I'm depressed as FUCK. Weight....142 fat fat fat. This will be my only update for awhile until our internet is turned back on. Luckily, people have unsafe wireless around here. i'm not feeling so strong these days. I'm overwhelmed, mentally & physically exhausted, & i just wanna sleep. :'( This is it for today...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Navy Bean Soup is satan in food form.
My ex gf spent the night last night, and my new gf woke up pissed as hell goin on a rant about how I need a job, the obama phone, blah blah, etc...
Taking all her anger out on me cause my ex spent the night, but I'm not going to have her out on the streets if my couch is open. Today I drank french vanilla roast coffee & took two metabolife. I'll go on a walk later when the little guy wakes up. Wish i had my ipod. UGH. On another subject, my psych can't see me until the 13th of December. WTH am I supposed to do until then?!?!? But they mailed my script so hopefully it comes tomorrow or even today :D Then I'll never eat again!! Mwahaha.
Peace, Love, & Mental Stability. <3

Monday, November 8, 2010

lord, make me a rainbow...

I wish I were a small town girl....just sayin.
This morning I woke up & was 142 but idk, i feel super bloated right now n the scale said 145 with all my clothes. This isn't working. I need some triggers. Aint that sad??

Sunday, November 7, 2010

is there a dr in the house?

Tomorrow I am calling my psych!!
I need my add medication so I stop eating. I'm only down two pounds which makes me mad and idk why.
Probably because I expect them to just melt off me. Sometimes I wish i lived on my own so that i can just sit in my dark, no fridge, no drama apartment.
Life blows. Ate some spaghetti and then purged it.
Thats it for right now, maybe i'll write more later.
Peace, Love, and Mental Stability.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Taco Shitty

To get straight to the point:

 This morning's breakfast consisted of 1 cup oatmeal 
Lunch was a small pillsbury halloween cookie
& dinner was lettuce, grilled chicken, salsa, and sourcream (gross)

My mom hates when I dont eat, so naturally, she picked the dinner and ordered from taco city. 
The order was all wrong, like always. I wanted rice it my salad cause it fills you up faster but they forgot it so i continuously stabbed my gf's burrito until it broke open. My mom laughed at me. Aunt flo is visiting so that's where most of my anger is coming from. The only good thing about today was meeting my gf's grandparents today. She said it was about time, I agreed. There isn't much else to say. No one reads this anyhow. Stay strong, don't ever give up, and you will get your angelic wings that you were meant to always have.
Peace, love, & mental stability.

Friday, November 5, 2010

She's an actress;but what she does best;is done on a mattress...

Time For ME!
Lately, everything I've been doing, has been for others & I'm over it.
Let's get to the point;;
starting weight: 146lbs = gross
GW#1: 140[ ]
GW#2: 135[ ]
UGW: 130[ ]
I'm restricting as of right now and can only consume 800cals until I get my medication :)
It's going to be hard to hide this because my mom is getting laid off and my bf lives with me, but I know I can do this if I concentrate.
Hmm, I guess I didn't really introduce myself. Not like it'd matter cause no one is going to read this but it's nice to have an outlet reguardless and if anyone does stumble upon this, cool :)
My name is Christine, I'm 19, I live in Wisconsin, and anything else that would like to be known, just ask! This is it for now. Maybe I'll rant later?