i'd kill myself for you, id kill you for myself....

My past relationships never ended the right way, most do not, but i think thats why i push the people i care about away. I'm terrified of my own feelings right now. I can't eat, sleep, hold a conversation and i just dont know what to do anymore. Porn is whats bothering me right now. (dont ask) True, im not great in bed but its because i hate my body so much that it stops me from trying new things. Have never been "on top" because i dont wanna crush my partner. To some that may sound stupid but for me, it's a real fear. My stomach is gross looking and my boobs have shrunk immensely from giving birth and losing weight. They say the one youre with should like/love you for you but when the person youre with doesnt compliment you, ever, on your appearance, you cant help but assume that they think your body is hideous aswell. If i could just hear some reassurance that im perfectly fine the way i am, i wouldnt be so paranoid about everything. I'm tired of not feeling good enough...